After you get married, always the first question out of people’s mouths is, “Are you pregnant yet?” The months and years go by and they ask, “So, when are you going to have kids?” You jokingly answer with “All the righteous women in the Bible were barren” or “I was originally born a man.”
But even worse than the questions is when the questions STOP. Now it’s official. You’re part of “the club,” those couples without children. The members and their reasons for membership are varied, and the dues are very costly.
You walk around like a recent amputee with phantom limb pain – you can feel that baby on your hip or a small hand clasped in yours, but when you look down, there’s nothing there. The worst is Mother’s Day at church and the young men hand you your “pity” potted plant. It’s one disappointment after another – like Henry and Julene, after being 10 plus years on the adoption waiting list and when it looks like they’re finally going to get their boys, the agency “loses” their information and they have to go through it all over again.
The worst was standing in a crowded room and seeing a man yell across to another man, “Hey, where’s the rest of your kids? I thought you had six.” “No, just five,” he replies.” The first man continues, “Really? I thought it was six.” And you want to run over and cover his mouth and yell, “SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!” Because they DID have six, but their little baby girl – their ONLY girl – had just died. But you don’t and the father doesn’t. You just smile and continue on with your life, because that’s one of the rules of “the club.”
You come to the realization that it's not going to happen for you and you take the box of baby clothes and baby toys that you've been saving and you slowly, one by one, wrap them up and give them away to others who have realized their baby dreams.
But then, the doctor announces, “It’s a girl!” And this little, perfect child, who you already know, is handed to you. Wonderfully, a few years later you have a boy, and then another girl. And just like that, you’ve been kicked out of “the club.”
I'm so very grateful for my three beautiful children, but I'm also thankful for those seven years in "the club" because it has given me insight and empathy towards those who are still members of it.
6 comments:
We were about seven years in the club too. It's not such a bad place to be, just a different place, where you learn a lot.
thank you, lois. we've already got one, so maybe we're not technically in "the club" -- but we've been wanting #2 for almost a year now, so it feels like we're in some kind of group...
it's a bitter place to be sometimes, but the lessons? they're unmatched.
We've been trying for over 2 years and after the next round of IUI will be "giving up." I'm not mentally/emotionally ready for that, but know that we need to "move on." What are the lessons from your experience (and those of your commentors)?
AZUCAR -- yeah, I look back at those times with fondness. The only regret I have is that I'd like to have more children, but I don't want them in my 40s. I wish I could go back in time and have them in my 20s. But one thing I've learned is to be content with what I DO have.
EMILYANNE -- "the club" has many members. The friend I wrote about now has seven boys, but she waited and waited for her little girl. I'm sure there's lessons in that, but I'm not sure what they are yet.
MKV -- I can't even imagine. That's so hard. All I can say is to echo the words of Azucar, you're just in a different place. Maybe IU will work this time or maybe you can go a different route. Don't give up, but do be thankful for what you have now.
Lois, have I ever told you that I really, truly love you? I do.
GEO -- Oh Geo, you know you're one of my favorite people.
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