Not So Healthy

One thing that I've learned from all of these diet books is that they're geared towards men who are six feet tall, weigh over 300 pounds and spend all day sitting on the couch drinking gallons of soda pop and eating 16 large sausage pizzas a day.

I follow their meal and exercise plans perfectly and I GAIN weight!

Now I'm back to the "Lois Diet."

That's right. Eat three healthy meals a day, no snacks, and walk around the neighborhood. The only new thing is that now I'm trying to incorporate some weight lifting into my routine. Though my BMI scores are in the normal range, my fat percentage is way too high (I am composed of fat and bones, no muscle).

My ultimate goal is to be a very fit and vibrant 100-year-old (that way I can make my children's lives miserable for as long as possible).

Tra la, It's May, the "Healthy" Month of May!

I'm continuing my constant quest to be more healthy. About 20 years ago I lost 45 pounds and for the last 19 years (even through three pregnancies) I've been able to keep it off. But then in the last year, my weight has been creeping up again.

I'm a big believer in baby steps, so I don't like to do anything too drastic. We were doing that vegetarian diet, but it was just too much work. I mean, four hours to make dinner was just too much for me (three hours preparing and cooking the meal, 30 minutes begging my kids to eat it, and then 30 minutes running to McDonald's to buy Happy Meals).

A Web site I really like is Word of Wisdom Living. Each week the author gives you a tip to be more healthy. It's simple things like buying bread that has more grams of fiber than grams of sugar, getting 30 minutes of sunlight a day, not drinking more than 12 ounces of sugary drinks a week, etc.

I've also just read this book:

I'm starting the recipes and exercise plan this week. I'll let you know how it goes.

Mystery Solved?

We think we know what's up with Roger.

We were watching "Cats 101" on Animal Planet (yes, I have no life) and they were talking about a rare breed of cat called a Turkish Van. It caught our attention because Roger has unusual markings that kind of match to these cats. Plus, her personality fits (that of a "dog dressed in a cat's body" -- that explains her propensity towards playing fetch).

At the end of the segment, they mentioned that these cats are not good around little kids because they're hunters and they will "stalk" small children. Sorry, Alice-Grace, welcome to the bottom of the food chain.

The good news is that she can't be a purebred Turkish Van. The bad news is that we think she's also part Satan.

Those Aren't Bath Beads!

Saturday night, Alice-Grace was taking a bath. Our cat, Roger, walked into the bathroom, saw that she was in the tub, and THREW UP IN THE WATER! Poor Alice-Grace was scrambling up the walls like a crazed spider monkey. It was so gross.

The other day, Roger was sitting calmly and we one at a time held our hand out to her. She nuzzled up to Frances, ignored Nigel, and tried to shred all the skin off of Alice-Grace's limb.

Once Roger was hiding in a bag and whenever Alice-Grace walked by, she would jump out and attack her legs. If anyone else walked by, the cat would just ignore them.

What is with my cat's obsession with trying to kill my youngest child?

I Didn't Realize Reading was a Full-Contact Sport

I remember a lovely childhood filled with my mother reading to us. We would laugh and cry through "The Birds' Christmas Carol" every December and attempt to understand the beautiful poetry of "The Rime of the Ancient Mariner." It was great.

Now whenever I try to read to my children, it always breaks into a huge melee with much yelling, screaming, and eventually bleeding as they all fight over who gets to sit where and who's touching whom and who's taking too long to look at the pictures.

Any suggestions?

Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better

While spring cleaning, Nigel found an old paycheck from 1995 that he never cashed from when he used to teach school.

Not to be outdone, I found an old birthday check from my grandma and grandpa dated 1980.

Ha, take that!

Reading Update

So I finished "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother."

Loved it. It was a fun and easy read. You just need to remember that this is a memoir, NOT a how-to book. What would be even more interesting is a book written by her husband that shows his side of the story. I don't think that the kids could write an honest one until many years go by.

I also finished "Mockingbird."

I had a hard time getting into it, but then I really liked it. It was fascinating to see how the girl's mind worked. The Asperger story went well with the school shooting story, but did the mother have to be dead from cancer, too? I thought that was a little much.

I finished reading "Eat More, Weigh Less," too.

An interesting health and diet book, especially since it was written during the whole "no-fat" 1990s and there's chapters on how olive oil, avocados, nuts and salmon are all bad for you. We mostly got it for the vegetarian recipes in the back. So far I've made a sweet potato and tofu stew (delicious -- and I even got to use parsnips and turnips!) and mung bean dumplings (a lot of work for something that is not very yummy -- but I got to use lemongrass and Nigel rigged up a steamer for me). Tonight I'm making roasted eggplant sandwiches.

I'm now reading "The Book Thief."

After much support from people who have loved this book, I've decided to give it another go. I'm starting to get into the story and I'm anxious to use my new vocabulary of German swear words.

Trilogy is Not For Me

Twenty years ago, I loved book series. I read every "Fletch" book, everything written by Dick Francis, Clive Cussler, Patricia Cornwell, all five books in the "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" trilogy, etc. I would find an author I liked and read everything by them, and then go on to the next set.

I still love reading, but I just can't get into series anymore. I have the attention span of a gnat. I get bored reading about the same characters. To be completely honest, I find myself forgetting who the characters are and it's frustrating that I have to keep re-reading the books to remember who everyone is.

I can't even tell you which "Harry Potter" books I've read. They all blend together and as soon as I've finished one, I don't even know what the plot was (then again, I also fall asleep during the movies).

I read "Twilight," but had no interest in reading the other novels. I read "The Hunger Games" and "Catching Fire," but couldn't get past chapter two of "Mockingjay." I read "Uglies" and "Pretties," but couldn't make it through "Specials" (or is it "Extras"?).

I'm noticing a trend. Maybe it's not that I can't stand to read series, but it's that I can't bear to read YOUNG ADULT novel series.

So what am I reading now? Right now on my nightstand are:

"The Book Thief" by Markus Zusak. It seems that everyone is reading this book. I'm only on chapter two, but I have no idea what's going on (this does not bode well for me). I think I may have a hard time getting into this one.

"Mockingbird" by Kathryn Erskine. I'm kind of liking it so far. The main character is a girl with Asperger's, but it seems to be muddled with taking on a school shooting, too. Maybe the author bit off more than she could chew in one small book.

"Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" by Amy Chua. So far I am loving this book. I can't put it down. It's about an American woman raising her children in the traditional Chinese way. My only question is, how does this work in China? How can EVERY kid be first in their class? How can EVERY kid be two years ahead of their peers in math? Since they can only play the piano or the violin, are Chinese orchestras seriously lacking? Is Yo-Yo Ma a huge failure because he plays the cello?

This is the book I SHOULD be reading, but of course it's the one at the bottom of my pile. March was going to be my "get healthy" month, but so far I'm failing miserably.

What are you reading?

My Cat is Litter-Box Challenged

We have a new word in my family's vocabulary: Poo-Paw.

As in, "the cat is locked in the bathroom again because it has Poo-Paw."

I don't know what to do about our new cat, Roger. She can't figure out the litter box to save her life. This is her usual routine:

1. Go in litter box
2. Dig hole
3. Stand in hole she just dug and then poop somewhere else (NOT in the hole)
4. Stand on poo she just squeezed out while looking confused
5. Get poo stuck to her paw
6. Cover a completely non-poo area with litter
7. Dunk her "poo-paw" in your bowl of cereal while you're eating it

If we're really lucky, she gets diarrhea (from drinking all the milk she contaminated with her poo-paw) and then flings that all over our bathroom wall. After all, why should she bury her poo with litter when she can bury the litter with her poo? Seriously, we had cat poo a good three feet up our wall.

The other day, she kicked a lot of litter OUT of her litter box and onto the bathroom floor. Then she preceded to pee in the pile of litter on the floor (to be completely honest, she missed most of the litter and peed on the bath mat).

Anybody want a cat?

Universe Update

My eagle-eye daughter, Alice-Grace, found my scriptures thrown in a bush. Obviously, some thieves thought my leather Bible bag was a really ugly purse or an extremely squatty laptop that I had left in my car.

So sorry to disappoint them.

Now I have to dry them out as they've been sitting in a snowbank for a few weeks. Nigel says that with their water-logged puffiness, I'll look like a total scriptorian (they look VERY well read).

Really, it would've been just as easy to throw them back in my car as to throw them in a bush. Are there no considerate thieves left in the world?